Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.