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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Alcohol goes in ... Happiness comes out.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.