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Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.