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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God or man has rested.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Being normal is boring.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Check this one out.........1
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.