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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Some days are just not meant to be productive.
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.