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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
real eyes realize real lies
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?