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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.