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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.