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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you