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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I know it`s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you`re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.
It`s not so much that I have to work that bothers me...oh wait, yes it is.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...