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On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
I went on two diets because there wasn’t enough food on just the one.
It´s never to late to be happy
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.