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Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.