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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!