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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
My cardio is shopping.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Save time. See it my way.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.