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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
A beautiful woman could post "My dog just died" and she would get replies like "Well, I`m not dead ;)"
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.