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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you