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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
To the untrained eye, I`m quite handsome.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
Jesus, take the wheel. Carlos, you take the stereo & I`ll take lookout.
This post was going to be really funny but I didn`t write it down because I was totally sure I`d remember it.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."