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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
Instead of presidential debates, we should just have a dance-off.
Targeted ads are trying to sell me a new mattress nowadays. With how much Google knows about me you`d think they`d cap themselves at something like $5 footlongs or stationary.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg: "The fat one won`t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?"