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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Happy people don`t take long showers.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.