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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I wonder how many couples would still be together if they traded phones for a weekend
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?