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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Share this if you are weird and don`t care
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
my imaginary friend thinks ur crazy? an shes hot!
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
FANNNN...DANNNNN....GOOOOO. Breathe The A`s.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."