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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Personally, I think failure should be an option
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.