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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they`re going to expire in 2017.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I`ll have to turn to Facebook.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.