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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
I don`t live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.