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If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.