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If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things Iād get a lot more done.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, Iām coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Went to my friends house with my girlfriend today. As we walked in I noticed her phone automatically connected to his wifi. That f*cking slut.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?