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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Iām classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, Iām pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Iām off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.