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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work
This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...