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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.