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My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I`m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."
My favorite breed of dog? Good question, thanks for asking. Either a corndog or a hotdog.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
How does anything ever get done at the bubble wrap factory?
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.