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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
The awkward moment when you type HO instead of HI.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone