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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
North Korea no!, really, go home! now you are really drunk!
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."