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I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.