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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Being fabulous all day makes me really, really tired
Some people should come with subtitles.