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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
My mum`s so old fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you`re Pa`s in hospital LOL.