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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.