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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly