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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some pizza and get rid of the salad.
Karma is like a rubber-band: it can only stretch so far before it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
There is no angry way to say `bubbles.`
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.