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I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries".
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?