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condoms prevent minivans
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I`m a Leader not a follower. Unless it`s a dark place...then you`re going first!
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Sometimes I mop the carpet just so my wife doesn`t ask me to help with stuff.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?