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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I wonder if the Happy Birthday wishes I send out to my Facebook friends would mean the same to them if they knew that I was sitting on the toilet.... LOL
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
There are three kinds of people: Those who totally agree with my messages, those who kind of agree with me, and those locked in the trunk of my car.
so far so good.... no unexpected father`s day cards or presents!
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.