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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.