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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Donuts: An excuse to eat cake for breakfast.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.