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Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.