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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I paid attention to the construction signs and got in the correct lane. You ignored them for miles and now you want me to let you in. Not gonna happen.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!