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What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Trying to be less negative but it`ll never work.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
I love you Mario, but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.