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Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
I think the only way I`ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I`m in prison.
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.