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Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I`ll just leave it there. I`m not hiding who I am anymore.
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn`t appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!