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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
The best thing about online classes is the beer.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer ... That`s all.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D