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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
Partying on my level requires years of training.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
I hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
It`s amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!