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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Debt doesn`t buy happiness either.
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I look at you and think "why has no-one hit you with a shovel yet?"
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.