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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
thinks my life is becoming a very complicated drinking game.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?