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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I think my guardian angel drinks.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I was in a taxi and the driver said "I love my job. I`m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That`s really great, now take a left here."
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.