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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Velcro is a ripoff
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I bet strippers look forward to that feeling of getting home and wearing a bra after a long day at work.
I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window