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I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
My pet unicorn told me that I was being delusional again. :/
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
“FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!” – Mother Nature
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.