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There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
I hope these environmentally friendly toilets save at least 3x the water because that’s how many times I need to flush.
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
For Christmas I just want summer...
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.