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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.