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You can`t make everyone happy, so today I think you should focus on me.
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
What’s a drunken pirates worst nightmare? A sunken booty with no chest.
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
It’s what people don’t know about each other that makes them such good friends.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.