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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
A leaf blower, but for people.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.