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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I`m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
Well, it`s about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
Dear IRS…I would like an itemized receipt showing me exactly how every one of my tax dollars is being spent. Thanks.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
Money may not buy happiness but it can certainly improve the quality of your misery
Sometimes you have to flip out and go bat sh!t crazy to make a point.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.