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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside