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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
My inner child is a drunken whore
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...