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The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife going thru my phone.
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
Admit it, you have that one voice that you only use on animals and babies.
Somebody told me I`m horrible with names.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Me, on phone to credit card company: What if you just break my kneecaps and we call it even?
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.