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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
The number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex is, you can do the whole neighborhood.
You`re exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
status uploading
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Here`s a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.