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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
I do my best proofreading after I hit `send`.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Card on top of gift reads `I want you wearing this tonight` only to open the gift to find NOTHING
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(