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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
If I truly posted what was on my mind ... I´d most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I`d have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there