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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?