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If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Have we considered putting Scooby Doo and the gang on the Malaysian airplane caper?
Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears