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I can`t wait to meet that special someone who will eventually ignore me.
99% sure my soulmate is a piece of pizza.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect already.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.