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I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
If I dont clean my house soon. They are gonna bring in blindfolded people to do a Febreze commercial
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... The five stages of waking up.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.