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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
People always get offended when you call their baby ugly, but they never understand that they`ve offended you by showing you an ugly baby.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Summer needs to slow the hell down.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.