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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.