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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
is in no shape to exercise
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.
What if cell phones are part of an elaborate plot to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."