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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
When one door closes, another opens ... I had a Chevette that was like that.
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.