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I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
It takes me like three days to wake up in the morning.