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I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!