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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Pain makes you stronger. Tears make you braver. A broken heart makes you wiser. And alcohol makes you not remember any of that sh!t.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.