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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
I’ve been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.