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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
It`s called PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
I should come with a warning label.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.