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Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
I know you`re the instructor but I`ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Tip for Sunday Church: Don`t forget to keep your phones on silent, especially if your ringtone is `I like big butts and I do not lie!`
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice