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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they`ve all escaped!"
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Taken names of employees from various stores and calling in sick for them, just to make it feel like I have a job. . .