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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I was enjoying our conversation. Until you started talking....
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.