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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
There are 2 kinds of people I can’t stand: Nosy people, and people who won’t tell me what in the hell is going on.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?