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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.