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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
Why can`t things be simple like they use to be? I show you a bug I found, we share a snack pack, and then you`re my girlfriend.