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Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Like this if you’re “never drinking again.”
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
is it just me, or did anyone else think that we would be living like the Jetson´s by 2011?
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Legally, it`s questionable .. Morally, it`s disgusting .. Personally, I love it. ;)
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
How much Hershey`s Chocolate Syrup can I add before it`s really not a SlimFast shake anymore?
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Iam not as THINK as you DRUNK iam!!