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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Nobody tell my husband that "year round periods" aren`t a thing.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.