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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Hey Guys! I havent seen you since last year!(;
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
I do everything faster when I have to pee.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.