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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
If you workout and don`t post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
thinking men should come with a carfax....
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
If you`re behind someone at the ATM late at night, let them know you`re not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!