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That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
It`s weird how in England the passenger drives the car
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Can I use my Mastercard to make my Visa payment?
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Facebook is like a nude beach. Everybody lets everything hang out, and you really don`t want to see a lot of it...
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one