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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
The word bed looks like a bed.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.