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You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy`s.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
I wonder if there`s a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.