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I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.