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United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Remember, Christmas is over if you sit on a strangers lap now and ask for stuff it`s because you`re a whore.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.