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"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
mom- "if you dont have anything nice to say, don`t say anything"
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?