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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I’m sorry, your photo is so confusing. You’re gonna need to hashtag every detail of it for me so I can grasp what’s going on here.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.