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Will be drunk until further notice.
Just got a message that said "Hey, I tried to call you"...that`s your problem right there....you should have never tried that.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
I saw that! - Karma
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?