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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.