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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.