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Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
I drink to make other people interesting.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.