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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
If by "crunches" you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.