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I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.