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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
It`s a good thing farting isn`t as contagious as yawning.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
It took Harry Potter 7 damn long books to catch the bad guy. When it only takes Scooby-Doo 25 minutes.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
If you`ve never actually got dressed, got in your car & pretended to drive "to work" to get a chick to leave your house then you`re not me.
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
My parents weren`t exercising all of those nights.
If you don`t remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.