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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.