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Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
Beer is good, but beers are better.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Do whatever you want, and if it`s something you`re going to regret in the morning, sleep late.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.