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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.